I took a long hiatus.
I know. I’m no good at
commitment. However, fear not! I am back, and no, I did not turn into a
Basic Bitch when you weren’t looking.
This is the chronicles of dealing with Basic Bitches. You KNOW you know them. Or perhaps you don’t know. Sometimes, it is hard to put your finger on
EXACTLY what it is that is so bothersome about a person. Then you start to look for all the telltale
signs only to discover that *GASP*, they might just be a Basic Bitch (BB). Let’s dive into this together. Don’t worry, I brought some water wings for
you!
Before we begin, I’d like to clarify that I am not referring
to the college BB. College girls are
still trying to figure out who they are, what they want, and where they are
going. They travel in packs, dress
alike, talk alike, etc. I’m talking full
grown BBs. Women who are old enough to
have their own identity, as well as their own kids. Women who should have SOMETHING unique about
them. I’m not completely singular. I possess some of the same qualities as
others in my demographic. What I don’t possess is a desperate need to fit
in, to be a “cool kid”, to try to seem like my peers are teenagers.
Why don’t we start with clothing? BBs are walking around thinking they look
like something special, because they copied the look some magazine told them is
“in”. Strutting their stuff like they
are an absolute fashion plate!! Oh, you cuffed your jeans and wore
booties? So did a ton of other women.
But you, my dear, can’t pull it
off. You reek of desperation and every
time you ask about how it looks, you prove it to everyone around you. If you are going to try to pull of any “bold”
look, make sure you have the right materials.
Saggy mom jeans cuffed and paired with ugly booties and a poncho sweater
DOES NOT WORK FOR YOU. Unless you’re, I
dunno, 5’9” and 130lb? Do I like to look
nice? Sure do! Do I know what suits my body and personality?
Yup, for the most part! Am I going to
start wearing rompers because someone said they were “in”? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL no.
This brings me to another point: If you’re absolutely
salivating to be cool, you should learn what is currently cool. This goes beyond fashion. This encompasses your vocabulary. Trendy terms, much like trendy clothing, come
and go.
Here’s a quick lesson: The point of an acronym is that you
don’t have to say the entire term. That
is quite literally the entire point of kids using acronyms these days. Please note, I said kids. One of which you are not. So, when you use an outdated acronym, and
then follow it up by saying the term twice and the acronym again, you are not
cool. Not even close. Take, for instance “WTF”. By saying “WTF. What the fuck? Get it? What
the fuck? WTF?” You not only show you are a complete geek, you make me wonder
if you are MUCH older than I thought.
How and when did you become so
basic?! Is this a lifelong affliction?
Did it happen in college and stay with you? Was it when you became a wife? A mother?
WHEN, I ASK?!?!?! And please, for the
love of God, stop seeking my validation.
It ain’t gonna happen! We are not
on the same playing field.
Also, Basic Bitch, you are not innovative with your Meatloaf
Monday, Taco Tuesday, Wellington Wednesday (although I would absolutely show up
uninvited for this one…), Thanksgiving Thursday, Fish Stick Friday, or whatever
other cockamamie “same first letter as the day” meal you decide to eat. We get
it. You know your alphabet. So does my 8
year old. It’s quite literally basic
education.
AND ANOTHER THING!!!
(I’m kinda like your mom when you come home after curfew and she’s
doling out the punishments.) Real Whomevers of Wherever the Hell is the
equivalent of Televangelism for the Basic Bitch. If these are the goddesses you worship, see
your BB ass right on out of here. All
sitting around, eating shit that makes you fat (then complaining that you’re
fat), watching a bunch of rich, trashy bitches break shit? Please.
Just to sit around with all the other BBs at your kid’s
baseball/softball/basketball/soccer/football/lacrosse/hockey game and recap what trashy bitches
do, while trying to see if and how you stack up to these BBs? ‘OMG.
Oh my god. Oh my god? OMG? Get it? Her husband got a raise and they’re going to
Newport? Well, I’m going to have a
STAYCATION after I harass my husband about how Becky has it SO MUCH BETTER than
I do. Then I’m going to blog about all
the crappy literature I read so I seem cultured. Obviously, everyone will value MY opinion. I
READ. All they did was watch TV. Which
reminds me, I have to set my DVR so I don’t miss Real Cumbubbles of Suburbia.’
If you think this is about you, it probably is....
Until next time... stay basic, bitches.
