The Joys of the Holidays

So, I will be short and sweet this week.... I think.  Hard to say, since I just shoot from the cuff.

I am currently getting ready to cook for...hold on.  Lemme count.  At least 16 adults, but I am sure someone is missing.  Anyhoo, what a busy weekend!  My poor brother was good enough to peel TWENTY pounds of potatoes.  He got the easy job, I fear.  My mom has a bitchin' recipe for cheese potatoes that everyone seems readily available to kill for.  However, it entails hand dicing those twenty pounds of potatoes...with a sprain wrist.  You can imagine my joy!  And after that, veggies for the skewers had to be cut and 80 plastic eggs needed to be filled! Oh, the pain...

You know what else is joyous?  I actually got out of doing an elaborate Easter basket.  :)  My wonderful friend Jessica Rabbit (you'll never guess who she is.  She is neither a Jessica nor a rabbit.  But hey, rabbit, Easter...get it?!) constructed a delicious, goody filled basket for my daughter!  It is absolutely STUFFED with candy.  Good for daughter, bad for mommy. First things first, 3 lollipops and a chocolate bunny.  Thankfully, that bunny was hollow.  It was at that point I grabbed the basket and hid it.  6:15 a.m. is no time to be having chocolate, especially if you aren't prone to sharing. 

It was around that time I decided I was using Bailey's in my coffee instead of milk.  Hey man, she can have her vice, but I can't have mine? 

Anyway, what's a little buzz before cooking a ton of food?  At least this way I have a chance of not feeling the burns until tomorrow.  :)  I seem to think I am immune to heat when I am cooking.  It's kinda dumb.  I'll admit it.

So, on today's menu we will have those damn cheese potatoes, rice, ham, lamb skewers, bourbon turkey skewers, corn on the cob (just because it is coming into season and who doesn't love fresh corn?), broccoli, homemade coleslaw and some other bits and bobs.  Kind of looks like a mix between a sit down dinner and a barbecue, huh?  I don't care.  I am stuffing myself stupid.

I love the holidays for that exact reason.  I will celebrate any holiday if it involves awesome food.  Too bad I seem to be in the position of being the one to provide said food.  And while I slave over the oven all day, where is my beloved husband?  GOLFING!  The bastard!!  Actually, I happily sent him.  He will have a great morning and come home starving.  Now, there is a man that appreciates his wife's cooking. Lucky for him, I love cooking!

Well, I must run, loves.  The kitchen calls.  It is such a gorgeous day out, I'll happily open the windows to hear the birds more clearly and dive in head first.  Now, let's just hope any rain hold off until AFTER the egg hunt!

I hope you all have a wonderful day wherever you are and whomever you're with.  Please be safe and careful when traveling.  <3

Is it really this easy.....

...to drive someone crazy?  I would actually like to know the answer to this. 

I made the statement the other day that if the world is ending in 2012, I know how it is going to end.  It isn't going to be flood, fires, gaping cracks in the Earth swallowing people up. It's going to be human kind going bat shit crazy and killing each other until there is no one left.

I have known crazy people my whole life.  (You know who you are.  If it isn't the guy to the right, and it isn't the guy to the left, IT'S YOU!)  But things are just getting out of hand.

Now, let me be clear.  I am NOT eliminating myself from the equation here.  I am quite content knowing my crazy and what comes with it. I'm happy crazy and I keep with my kind.  I am not malicious crazy.  There are a LOT of "them" out there.  I have discovered so many, in fact, I think we happy crazies are officially out numbered.

When did it become ok to completely unload on an innocent bystander? Or blame your screw ups on someone who had nothing to do with the situation?  Or blame your entire cache of screw ups on your "bad childhood" or a "bad break up"?

I think we can all agree we are adults.  Your life is what you make it, not what someone else makes it.  So you had a really awful childhood, huh?  Were you permanently maimed by your parents?  Did they extinguish cigarettes on your body or break your bones?  Did you grow up eating out of dumpsters with no parents to blame?  Ok, you might be entitled to blame your bad fortune on your upbringing.

All those out there with parents who did the best they could and it just wasn't damn good enough for your self entitled ass?  Suck it up and get over it.  Move on.  The best revenge out there, folks?  Being better and more successful that those who have "wronged" you.  Let's say you didn't have a "Leave it to Beaver" upbringing. *GASP*! So freaking what?!  You think that little turd had any idea how to survive in the real world?!  Doubt it!! 

And those of you wallowing in self pity over the one that got away?  GET OVER IT!  Either you suck or they did.  Either way, one of you deserves better.  If they sucked, than you deserve better.  Get off the couch and go find it.  If you're the one that sucks, I suggest you quit sucking so much and act like a freaking adult.  Go get a job, stop boozing every day of the week.  Whatever it is about you that sucks, change it!

How about those who like to blame EVERYTHING they do wrong on some unsuspecting person, say a co-worker.  I screw up at work.  I'll be the first to admit it.  I'm also the one who runs to my boss and rats myself out.  Either that, or I sign my name to it just so there is no confusion.  I'm self-destructive like that.  But we all have or have had that one co-worker who NEVER does anything wrong.  Interestingly enough, they also seem to be the one who knows who DID do it.  Psychic?  Me thinks not.  Accountability, people.  'Tis what makes the world go round.

I think my favorite is when someone just goes cuckoo on someone who has nothing at all to do with the problem.  And I mean padded wall, white coat cuckoo.  You can dislike someone, that is fine.  But when you are just lying in wait for something to happen so you can go *kaboom*?  You got issues.  And as I say, issues are like tissues. You take one out and they just keep coming!

This is a situation I think could begin the end, if you will.  Ok, let's say you don't like someone.  (I don't like a lot of someones.  Again, if it isn't the guy to the right, and it isn't the guy to the left.....)  Now, I'm not reeeeeaaaaaally known for being the bigger person.  If someone wants to get in my face, I will knock them on their ass, no questions asked.  However, I do not START things with people, just because they are standing nearby or because I don't like them.  When did it become ok to get within inches of someone's face to make your point.  A point which not only doesn't involve you, but that you aren't actually making? 

If someone gets inches from my face, I will react.  There is no think time.  It just happens.  And I mean really, I am supposed to be the mature one, the calm, cool, collected one, the bigger person (literally and figuratively) for what?  Let them have their satisfaction and go on their way?  Um, hi.  How do I know this person doesn't have some wacky disease.  I mean jeez, bird flu anyone??  Swine flu?!?!  SARS?!?!  I don't want anyone that close to my orifices!!  I pride myself on being healthy. (HA!) Ok, that might be a stretch, but I don't often get sick.  Maybe that will be my course of action next time.  I'll just go into a hysterical coughing fit.  Hm. I am an evil genius, I swear.

Oh, it should also be noted, I will defend my loves to the death.  You mess with someone close to me, you may as well spit in my face.  It isn't going to end well for you.  It never does.  I can give you references if you like.

Wait, did I say I was happy crazy?  Well, it seems like the tides are turning as we speak!

Anyways, you know what I did this weekend?  I went to see Sesame Street Live "Elmo's Green Thumb".  No not by myself.  That'd be creepy.  With my daughter!!  I was warned it was a suicide mission.  You know who warned me of that?  A cuckoo crazy. I didn't think it was all that bad!  My daughter had a great time, as did my niece and my friend's son.  But apparently, the most entertaining part of the day was me hoisting my daughter onto my hip and taking the stairs from the floor to the concourse 2 at a time to get her to the bathroom.  It would seem her little legs were just flapping behind me.

There was also a creepy guy with a video camera filming everyone and their kids walking up the stairs.  It was odd.  And of course, there were no workers nearby to report him to.  Hmph.  Anyhoo, we've got LOADS of overpriced Sesame gear now!

And people wonder why I am crazy.....

A Day at the Aqua-rape-rium

Although I have Fridays off from work, it isn't really a day off.  I am usually running errands, going to doctor's appointments or cleaning (ha!) as most mothers do.  My daughter has been asking for about 2 weeks to take the train, so I decided yesterday was the day!

Now, she was on the subway about a year ago, but every day she and my husband drive to the subway station  and pick me up from the train.  Additionally, she sees the commuter rail train every day. So, needless to say, she is quite intrigued with trains at this stage. 

I checked the schedule and decided we would get the 10:00.  That was at 8:30.  We almost missed the train. We got dressed, got our bag packed with some snacks and a change of clothes and headed off to the bank to get some money.  I only use the drive-up ATM when I have her because it's just a pain to get her in and out of her car seat.  There were about 10 cars in line, so I decided "Screw it, I don't have time for this."  I then had to RACE to CVS to get her ANOTHER pair of sunglasses because we couldn't seem to find one of the four pairs she currently owns.  And of course, she chose  pair she already had.  Maybe this way, Daddy won't notice?!

Of course, because I was in a rush, I ran into an old client who wanted to chat me up for a while and tell me all about the fish that was on sale at Shaw's.  Terrific.  It's Lent, and not only did I forget to give something up, I am pretty damn sure we have been total carnivores since Ash Wednesday. Ugh.  "Ok, thanks!  BYE!!!"

Yay!  We made the train, and as soon as we started moving, I realized no binky.  I know, I know.  She's too old for it.  I don't really care.  If it stops her from the inevitable meltdown, I'm giving it to her.  Oh well, no binky.  Time for this toddler to man up.

Now to look for a seat on the moderately busy train.  Do you think my little freak show wanted to sit near ANYONE?  Nope. After showing her the only available seats, she gives in and shares a seat with a man whose ears she proceeded to beat off the side of his head until he ran for his own sanity.  Enter first financial rape of the day.
Our little conductor lady comes to collect tickets and I ask for a round-trip fare.  $8.50!!??  Um, sure, that sounds fair.  The subway is less than half of that per day.  Who are these people taking the commuter rail every day?!  I am 5 stops from the end.  FIVE. I don't understand how the T is in debt when they are charging people $1.70 per station stop.

When we finally get to the main concourse, the monster in the stroller sees all the different kiosks offering cookies.  At 10:30 in the morning.  Second rape?  A cookie costing nearly $3.00.  Get me outta here!!!

We go outside, where is is absolutely gorgeous out.  First stop, iced coffee.  Ain't no WAY this is going one step further without reinforcements.  Now, I know the area, so I know where Dunkin Donuts is hiding.  Obviously, the kiddo was concerned.  After whipping her head from side to side, she asks in a meek voice, "Mommy?  Where we goin'?"  I looked around and realized the street we were on resembled a dark alley on CSI.  My bad.  On to the aquarium!!!!

We walk maybe a mile and arrive at the New England Aquarium. I notice my ticket is going to cost $22.95, and because my little angel is under 3, she's free!  Yay!   But, um, I don't even WANT to go in, so why the hell do I have to pay so much?  Really, they should let adults in free and charge for the kids!! Can I send her in on her own?  Guess not.  Rape three!  Man, I get around!

I get to the window and inquire about their membership passes.  Lowest level is $85.  "Is that a family pass or how does that work?"  It's the member and one guest.  Not only am I not sure I will make it back there the 4 times it'll take to pay for itself, if my husband decides to join us, do we still have to pay an adult fare?  Or is he my guest and under 3 doesn't count.  I don't care, I'm not getting it.  I've already spent enough for a nice day with my daughter.  Oh, silly me.  No, I haven't!!!!!

The New England Aquarium is a lovely educational facility, but man, it is dark in there.  It's like a cave full of fish.  Regardless, we had a nice time walking up the ramp surrounding the giant tank and looking at all the different fish.  I know they have a touch tank outside with manatees in it and I thought "She'll love that!!"  Not this time, she won't.  It's only open to members this week.  Boo.  Does this one count as a rape?!

Once we have made our rounds, we started to work our way back down to the bottom level.  I spot the counter where they will nicely show me the awful picture they took on our way in.  Instead of just showing me on the computer screen, they waste the money and ink to print it out, put it in the holder and HAND IT TO THE 2 YEAR OLD!?  No wonder they have to charge so much.  They have to pay for all those terrible pictures to be printed and thrown away when the patron decides they don't need those kind of memories.

Anyone who has ever been in the presence of a 2 year old knows, once you hand them something, you are not getting it back.  I tried  with all my might to get that picture away from her.  To the point people were staring.  I think they thought I was trying to abduct her.  Mid tantrum, I threw my Visa at the guy and said "FINE!  I'll take it!!"   "Do you want a bag for that?"  What, you think I am going to get it away from her to put in a bag?!  Nice try, jackass.  Next time, hand it to the parent.  I've lost count of the violations I have endured....

But on your way out, you get to go through the gift shop.  Now, I was planning to go in there and get her something anyways.  An awful picture of me is no gift for a child.  She spots a cute little stuffed penguin for $9.99.  SOLD!

Now, let's get out of here.  Uh uh.  She picks up a stuffed penguin nearly identical to the first one, except it is $19.99.  I still don't know why it was double the price. I have actually just discovered the second one is half an inch SHORTER than the first one.  They appeared the same size, the second one had some yellow on it.   Surely, not $10 worth of yellow dye.  I am trying with all my might to talk her into the $10 penguin and all she wants it the $20 one.

Until she spots a (very realistic) pink penguin.  Dear Lord, did I brace myself for the price tag on that one.  $16.99.  Ok, we'll call that even.  Sorry folks, apparently, you can't buy this one online, so no pictures for you!!

As I am putting the other penguins back with their families, she spots the book "Curious George Goes to the Aquarium".  George is this kid's version of crack. Fine, you can have the book. I can swing $4 at this point. I mean, who doesn't want their kid to read, right?   As I am grabbing a book, I spot her sucking the straw of a cup.

First of all, EEEWWWW!!!!! Second of all, now I have to buy that?!  I know what you are thinking, put it back, quick!!  Too bad there were like 40 people watching her do it.  Great.  Now she has a $6 cup. I finally RUN out the door with her and we go have pizza before heading back to the train station.

Mostly uneventful.  We stopped at my office and had lunch with the bosses.  And one of them paid for the pizza!!  WOOHOO!!!  Finally, something was free!  Besides, obviously, the joy of spending the day with my favorite girl in the world.

Just as we are getting ready to leave, she tries to put her cup on the back of the stroller.  It falls to the ground and cracks.  Oh, hell no.  I have a short amount of time to get to the train and I am thinking,"This cup is going back.  I don't care if we have to wait an hour for the next train.  She can have another golden cookie."  I sprint back to the Aquarium gift shop and exchange the cup, no questions asked.  Didn't even want to see the receipt!

Ok, here we go, back to the train station. Yay!  We made it!! I am thinking she'll nod off in her stroller and squeeze in the ever important nap.  Nope.  Could have been because it likely wasn't the most enjoyable stroller ride.  I was power walking and there was a nice cold breeze coming in off the ocean. That'll wake you up every time.  She stayed awake the entire trip home and all the way until bedtime.

However, when we got home, I collapsed on the couch and didn't move for about an hour.  Not that she would let me sleep.

As a side, I learned an hour after leaving the Aquarium that you can reserve passes at the library?!  Time to get a library card.

Also, I think I may be pregnant with the aquarium's baby.....

A Plethora of Nothingness

Sorry to leave you lying in wait like a serial killer.  I'm a day late on this, and it's only week 3!  How will I keep up?

I was looking for suggestions for a topic and this is what I got:

Blog about your love for me :)
Blog about being great
Blog about trying to cook something
Blog about the shake weight
Blog about something positive
...Blog about people you saw on the T and their tremendous style choices.

From ONE person.  Well, you asked for it!!

Her name is Nicole and she is my favorite whore in the world.  No really.  I'm not just saying that.  Of all the whores I know, she really is my favorite!!  I love that we can pick up where we left off each time we see each other, even though she lives a gazillion miles away.  (I don't love that part.  Sorry.)  I also love her completely and totally, vividly inappropriate sense of humor.  Forget "That's what she said"  Nicole takes it to a whole new level.  She makes others blush while keeping a completely innocent look on her face.  I love that.  She's not just a whore, she's a dirty whore.  And she's all mine.  <3

Next up, being great.  Wow.  How do you tell others how to be as great as I am?  I mean, c'mon now! First and foremost, I'm an outstanding mother and wife.  Let anyone try to compare.  It ain't happenin' lemme tell ya!  I mean, my daughter and husband are among the luckiest people on Earth!  But don't worry mom, you're a close second.  I mean, one can't create this level of greatness without being pretty damn great themselves. 

I'm also a great cook.  Not even gonna TRY lying about that one.  I am my own worst critic, but I never get complaints from others.  They just gobble it up and rub their bellies.  No, not in pain.  In complete and utter ecstasy.  It's that good, folks.  Jeez, I could go on about my greatness forever!!  But I'm sure you'd like to hear about me trying to cook something.  Hey.  That was a pretty good segue.  And because I am so great, I didn't even do it on purpose.

TRYING to cook is a funny term.  Because I am so great, I don't try.  I just do it and I do it well.  Does a woman make cheddar ale soup if she can't cook?  I didn't think so.  Oh wait!!  This is my try! I'm making it today!  I've never made it before, but I am sure it will be outstanding. Stuck for a dinner?  Having company and you just can't cook??  Get a whole chicken.  Get a crock pot.  Put 3-4 balls of foil at the bottom of the crock pot and place the chicken on top.  Sprinkle with your choice of seasoning.  I personally use salt, pepper, adobo and paprika.  Good stuff, I tell ya. Cook on low for about 8 hours, high for about 6.  May take a bit longer if you get a fatty.  (Insert dirty whore joke here)  Not only do you get a roast chicken literally falling off the bone (Insert additional joke), you get tons of liquid for making gravy.  But those of you who suck probably don't know how to make gravy.  Better just pick up a couple jars while you're getting the chicken.....

All that heavy lifting may have you thinking "Damn, I am out of shape.  But just don't have time to work out!"  Well, FEAR NOT!!  The Shake Weight is here!!!!  You can now exercise on the go.  Or, if you really wanna freak out your neighbors, close the curtains, turn on some lights and have at it!  This reminds me of the night we looked up at our neighbor's house and he was standing in front of the slightly ajar curtains, bent over the desk, taking it up, no?  Too much?  Ok, I'll move on. The Shake Weight is obscene to say the least.  No matter how you try to use it, you look like a star in one of Nicole's jokes. 

Something positive about all of this is it's kinda making me giggle.  Hahaha!!  Seriously.  No, not serious at all.   I'm still laughing!  Ok, ok.  Phew!  Something positive.  Hm.  There is so much positive as I am sitting here.  The April Fools Day snow is melting. It is a beautiful, sunny day and the birds are out in force.  My cat is having an insane love affair with me today.  My husband let me sleep in until he left for work.  My daughter is in a great mood.  She just keeps running in and hugging me.  I adore her.  It's sickening.  Now she wants to get dressed.  Little Miss Independent goes into her room and manages to choose an outfit that matches perfectly.  Clearly, she's a girl who will drive to work in the future.  People with good style don't take the T.

I know this because I take it every day!  Oh, uh, hm.  Well, nonetheless.....  We in business attire don't count.  I swear.  I'm talking about the people either not going to work or trying their hardest to lose their job.  Honest to God, it's atrocious.  I often take pictures and post them to my Facebook, just to entertain people.  I usually try to leave the person's face out, but sometimes it just can't be helped.  Like a couple of weeks ago.  I took a picture of a woman who had the MOST ridiculous 80's hairstyle.  I don't even think the 80's would have liked it.  To top it all off, she was so out of proportion, people actually thought she was a little person!!  

When I was in college, I wanted to start a campaign called "Mirrors for the Needy".  I proposed a collection for full length mirrors, which would be place on the inside of the doors at the dorm buildings and the outside of the doors leading into the classroom buildings.  This way, people leaving their dorms would be SURE to see what they were wearing before thrusting their hideous style upon the rest of us.  (Insert joke)  Additionally, those who commuted would see themselves before they entered the classroom buildings.  And of course, as an extra added bonus, the resident students would get to see themselves again before entering the classroom.  It was needed, I tell you.  I am all for going to class in sweats and t-shirts.  But when you make a conscious decision to put various items of clothing and "fashion" accessories together, you best be sure they work.  Like cowboy boots with satin polka dot pants.  It's as bad as it sounds!

Or maybe the ever fashionable leggings?  I mean, how can you go wrong?  Oh, that's how.....

But perhaps my favorite to date is this little gem:

The person who decided these shoes were fashionable should be shot.  Starting at their feet.  I would like them to be tortured as much as their designs have tortured civilization.  I won't even get into the cottage cheese ass that was hanging out.  Luckily, I don't have a spectacular camera on my phone.  I shiver at the memory.

I now propose "Mirrors for the T".  Maybe I will carry a mirror with me and ambush people like they do one T.V.  I mean, I can't afford to be doing make overs on these people, but they should still be armed with the knowledge that they look awful.  Knowledge is power, as they say.  If it's on T.V. it must be ok, right?  I'm going to go pry the mirror off the back of my bathroom door.  You better start driving to work.  You're my first target.