A Plethora of Nothingness

Sorry to leave you lying in wait like a serial killer.  I'm a day late on this, and it's only week 3!  How will I keep up?

I was looking for suggestions for a topic and this is what I got:

Blog about your love for me :)
Blog about being great
Blog about trying to cook something
Blog about the shake weight
Blog about something positive
...Blog about people you saw on the T and their tremendous style choices.

From ONE person.  Well, you asked for it!!

Her name is Nicole and she is my favorite whore in the world.  No really.  I'm not just saying that.  Of all the whores I know, she really is my favorite!!  I love that we can pick up where we left off each time we see each other, even though she lives a gazillion miles away.  (I don't love that part.  Sorry.)  I also love her completely and totally, vividly inappropriate sense of humor.  Forget "That's what she said"  Nicole takes it to a whole new level.  She makes others blush while keeping a completely innocent look on her face.  I love that.  She's not just a whore, she's a dirty whore.  And she's all mine.  <3

Next up, being great.  Wow.  How do you tell others how to be as great as I am?  I mean, c'mon now! First and foremost, I'm an outstanding mother and wife.  Let anyone try to compare.  It ain't happenin' lemme tell ya!  I mean, my daughter and husband are among the luckiest people on Earth!  But don't worry mom, you're a close second.  I mean, one can't create this level of greatness without being pretty damn great themselves. 

I'm also a great cook.  Not even gonna TRY lying about that one.  I am my own worst critic, but I never get complaints from others.  They just gobble it up and rub their bellies.  No, not in pain.  In complete and utter ecstasy.  It's that good, folks.  Jeez, I could go on about my greatness forever!!  But I'm sure you'd like to hear about me trying to cook something.  Hey.  That was a pretty good segue.  And because I am so great, I didn't even do it on purpose.

TRYING to cook is a funny term.  Because I am so great, I don't try.  I just do it and I do it well.  Does a woman make cheddar ale soup if she can't cook?  I didn't think so.  Oh wait!!  This is my try! I'm making it today!  I've never made it before, but I am sure it will be outstanding. Stuck for a dinner?  Having company and you just can't cook??  Get a whole chicken.  Get a crock pot.  Put 3-4 balls of foil at the bottom of the crock pot and place the chicken on top.  Sprinkle with your choice of seasoning.  I personally use salt, pepper, adobo and paprika.  Good stuff, I tell ya. Cook on low for about 8 hours, high for about 6.  May take a bit longer if you get a fatty.  (Insert dirty whore joke here)  Not only do you get a roast chicken literally falling off the bone (Insert additional joke), you get tons of liquid for making gravy.  But those of you who suck probably don't know how to make gravy.  Better just pick up a couple jars while you're getting the chicken.....

All that heavy lifting may have you thinking "Damn, I am out of shape.  But just don't have time to work out!"  Well, FEAR NOT!!  The Shake Weight is here!!!!  You can now exercise on the go.  Or, if you really wanna freak out your neighbors, close the curtains, turn on some lights and have at it!  This reminds me of the night we looked up at our neighbor's house and he was standing in front of the slightly ajar curtains, bent over the desk, taking it up, no?  Too much?  Ok, I'll move on. The Shake Weight is obscene to say the least.  No matter how you try to use it, you look like a star in one of Nicole's jokes. 

Something positive about all of this is it's kinda making me giggle.  Hahaha!!  Seriously.  No, not serious at all.   I'm still laughing!  Ok, ok.  Phew!  Something positive.  Hm.  There is so much positive as I am sitting here.  The April Fools Day snow is melting. It is a beautiful, sunny day and the birds are out in force.  My cat is having an insane love affair with me today.  My husband let me sleep in until he left for work.  My daughter is in a great mood.  She just keeps running in and hugging me.  I adore her.  It's sickening.  Now she wants to get dressed.  Little Miss Independent goes into her room and manages to choose an outfit that matches perfectly.  Clearly, she's a girl who will drive to work in the future.  People with good style don't take the T.

I know this because I take it every day!  Oh, uh, hm.  Well, nonetheless.....  We in business attire don't count.  I swear.  I'm talking about the people either not going to work or trying their hardest to lose their job.  Honest to God, it's atrocious.  I often take pictures and post them to my Facebook, just to entertain people.  I usually try to leave the person's face out, but sometimes it just can't be helped.  Like a couple of weeks ago.  I took a picture of a woman who had the MOST ridiculous 80's hairstyle.  I don't even think the 80's would have liked it.  To top it all off, she was so out of proportion, people actually thought she was a little person!!  

When I was in college, I wanted to start a campaign called "Mirrors for the Needy".  I proposed a collection for full length mirrors, which would be place on the inside of the doors at the dorm buildings and the outside of the doors leading into the classroom buildings.  This way, people leaving their dorms would be SURE to see what they were wearing before thrusting their hideous style upon the rest of us.  (Insert joke)  Additionally, those who commuted would see themselves before they entered the classroom buildings.  And of course, as an extra added bonus, the resident students would get to see themselves again before entering the classroom.  It was needed, I tell you.  I am all for going to class in sweats and t-shirts.  But when you make a conscious decision to put various items of clothing and "fashion" accessories together, you best be sure they work.  Like cowboy boots with satin polka dot pants.  It's as bad as it sounds!

Or maybe the ever fashionable leggings?  I mean, how can you go wrong?  Oh, that's how.....

But perhaps my favorite to date is this little gem:

The person who decided these shoes were fashionable should be shot.  Starting at their feet.  I would like them to be tortured as much as their designs have tortured civilization.  I won't even get into the cottage cheese ass that was hanging out.  Luckily, I don't have a spectacular camera on my phone.  I shiver at the memory.

I now propose "Mirrors for the T".  Maybe I will carry a mirror with me and ambush people like they do one T.V.  I mean, I can't afford to be doing make overs on these people, but they should still be armed with the knowledge that they look awful.  Knowledge is power, as they say.  If it's on T.V. it must be ok, right?  I'm going to go pry the mirror off the back of my bathroom door.  You better start driving to work.  You're my first target.